Underwater

Underwater

I am broke. Well, not yet, but I will be when all the bills come in that I have predicted with accuracy. This is not a “Poor Me”, this is a likely fact. Here’s another fact, I need to start making some money. Growing up, I always thought that the only satisfaction ever afforded to someone that was making money, was when they collected their paycheck. All those hours where you are actually working, well, it never occurred to me that those hours could be enjoyable, instead it was always some kind of legitimate suffering. Then, you would have to steal away time from work and chores, to do what you liked, the last, tight squeeze of a few drops of lemon juice into a glass of drinking water, diluted and sour.

I do work, I just don’t get paid for it right now. If someone wanted to pay me to create imaginary, underwater raindrops with tropical fish swimming around in it, then I might be your person. But right now, no one pays me to do this. Maybe no one wants to pay me to do this. Or, maybe I haven’t found that person yet. Or, maybe I have found that person, but they don’t know that I am willing to be paid to do this work. But I haven’t tried to find out. This whole subject has a shell of irresponsibility, but that is imaginary too. If you were thinking that, ask yourself why. If you weren’t thinking that, then ask yourself why I was. Or don’t. What is not imaginary is the fear I feel about going out there and trying to make money at something that isn’t just suffering. I am stuck at “trying to find out”. Which means, I haven’t even tried. Lame.

Maybe if I waved around a sign that said, “Who wants to pay me to do this?” and showed them this image, they will want to pay me for this or other images or future ones. But the idea of this sounds flippant and obnoxious. Secretly, I think this may be how it works, it is the only way to get noticed and I am the only one who is calling it “flippant” and “obnoxious”, so I am the fool. So now, I am an irresponsible, lame fool who is scared and broke, and, I can add on there liar, because I told you this would not be a “Poor Me” thing. Well, at least I am not suffering. That’s a joke. All of this is sort of joking, because sometimes a joke is the first way we can reveal ourselves without getting trapped in it.